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Having an eportfolio scares me! Not the physical act of creating one, but rather the simple notion that it is mine! This is mine, all of my own! No one is telling me what is right nor what is wrong. There is no template. It is all mine! Now, I blame this fear on the educational system as a whole. I have been conditioned, for what seems like my whole life, to be the robot that exports what was input. So you want a 500 word essay about mitosis? You got it! Give me two weeks and I will have you what you want. I learned nothing from that. I couldn't even tell you what mitosis is. I've heard about it. I've read about it. I've probably had a lengthy discussion in biology class about it, but none of that fostered a love for learning. It did foster a love for giving my professor what they wanted. I was able to pass the class and get the A that I craved. So in that sense, I felt like we both got what we wanted. But when I think about that today though, I feel like a failure. I got my A, and now what? I couldn't even tell you a single fact about it. I'm hoping it actually is a topic in biology. I'm sadden that it is going to take awhile to recondition myself that it is actually okay to be a proponent of my own learning. I think that's really sad. Why am I running away from this freedom? Why is there a fear of it? I do not want to project this type of learning into my own classroom. I want to rephrase what is being asked of my kiddos and create the type of environment that I'm just now learning about at an older age. The biggest takeaway I got from the importance of the process of creating an eportfolio is that the students need to see where and why this is important and how it can be relevant to every day life. Building something from the ground up takes time, but the pride and accomplishment, along with the product that you get in return, is irreplaceable.

Run! Don't walk! Go. Watch. This Movie. It's a Hulu Original and a recommendation of my brother's. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but this documentary left me speechless. I still talk about it to this day. I think everyone should watch this movie. It pulled at the heartstrings, but also required me to self-reflect on myself. I truly cannot put into words the gist of it. You just HAVE to watch! Watch it. Let me know what you think. Then, pass it on to someone else.

Teaching kindergarten, I see a lot. A LOT! What I didn't think I would see is so many behavior problems. I expected the crying when parents left. I expected the "so and so doesn't want to be my friend." I was prepared for the "he took my pencil." I had ideas for those situations, but the behavior I see this year is something that almost scares me. I currently have one student on a behavior plan. A BEHAVIOR PLAN! A five year old on a behavior plan?! It still takes me by surprise sometimes. I feel so unprepared for this. I can't help but try and connect the dots and wonder if I would've had this innovation in place already, would the behavior still be this bad? Is this a here thing? Is this an everywhere thing? Is this a five year old thing? Is this a home thing? I'm not sure why having the answer to those questions would matter, but that's what runs through my head. I'm not a behavior specialist. I struggle at parenting most days, yet I'm expected to put this child on the right track with zero to no tools. What are your thoughts on behavior in kindergarten? The even bigger question, what is your take on punishment or consequences in kindergarten?

After reading the COVA book, I sit back and think how our school system is the complete opposite of what the book describes. From being a student myself, to teaching students, I have to say this is the first time I have had the opportunity to have my own choice, voice and ownership in any learning environment. I will admit... it has not come easy. I have been trained. Yes, trained! To seek the "A" or the "100" or the "4.0." Those were my goals my entire educational career! It didn't come easy for me, but I did whatever was needed to obtain those grades. What I didn't obtain was learning. I learned how to please people, and that I am great at. But taking ownership for something all on my own, that I am not. I feel gypped of my life. I want to blame someone, but I know that's the fixed mindset talking. It's too late to dwell on that now, and what matters is what I'm now going to do with this information. How am I going to change my life and put this at the forefront? I think more importantly though, how am I going to change someone else's life with this groundbreaking information?

As I was reading through the 41 Benefits of an eportfolio, I thought, "I wonder what it would be like to reflect back on work I did in third grade? Seventh grade? Senior year?" I know the website discusses that as a benefit. Starting at a young age with it, you will be able to reflect back on that whenever you are older. My thought went further and I thought, "What does it mean? What would it show if I reflected back on my work from when I was ten years old? Would it put into perspective why I am who I am today?" I ultimately decided that IT HAS TO! I think what I would do with that reflective knowledge would be the ultimate test, though. What if at ten I had, what I thought at the time, was some ridiculous idea that I never thought was capable of actually taking shape...but I wrote it down (blogged about it) anyways? If I reflected on that now at 27, what would happen? Would it lead to a multi-billion dollar company? I don't know the answer to that because I didn't have this amazing tool then. But, now, students, kids, people do not have to wonder that. This is the tool. This gives us all that capability of becoming billionaires at ten years old. Why wouldn't we want that?

I love the way Heffernan presents her ideas. Lately, it has been rough accepting some of the decisions admin has made for us and I usually have no choice but to say, "Whelp, they're allowed to do that because their job is of higher importance." No, it's not!! There is no school without teachers. This is not to say they do not play a key role in the way everything runs, but when I look at it in the persepective that she presents I feel we, as a whole, would be better. I don't necessarily mean better data or better grades, but better as a wholesome school. All by just listening and contributing. I think the "leader" making sure everyone is held accountable for the "rules" that they set for each other is a progressive way of thinking. When applied to this program, I see Dr. H as our leader and he is holding us accountable for the "rules" that we set up for ourselves and one another. He hasn't explicitly said, "You must give at least three ideas weekly or else you fail." The "rules" are up to us and within ourselves. The benefit of a super chicken is few to none. So instead of setting ourselves up for the least productive way to be successful...let's allow the conversation to flow so we can grow together.

Before graduating with my bachelors, we were required to take an Instructional Technology course and I am now beating myself up about not taking it more seriously than I did. It was over some pretty basic things: Microsoft Office, Seesaw, nothing that I told myself I couldn't figure out after playing with it a few times. The last project of the course was to create our own ePortfolio. The difference between then and now was that the template was already given to use. The only think we had to go do was pull in our information and push the submit button. There was no choice or voice in doing it this way and I can see how much of a difference that makes! My hard work, effort, dedication and everything in between is going into this master's program, and I want my eportfolio to reflect those very things. I do not want a repeat of my first one. I couldn't even tell you the web address because that is how little thought went into that. I do remember it was through Google Sites, and even then it was a pain in the rear end. It was not user friendly and there was nothing on there to make it MINE. I know what I don't want and I know what not to do, so now I am ready to create my forever one. As much as I love teaching, I'd like to think I'm more that just a teacher and I would like my ePortfolio to reflect that. Is anyone considering this? For the program, of course, my primary task is the project, but I love to cook and craft, among other things, and I'd really like to share that with the world. The self critic inside me said, "That's not what this portfolio is for!" I replied back, "Who said?" I'm a single mom, a teacher, a coffee addict, a foodie, and so much more. I'd like to think there a few others who can relate to that.

The more I read and listen to the links that Dr. H posts, the more I feel like I am doing such a disservice to my kids. I'd like to think that I'm a good teacher. No, not a great teacher. But sometimes after listening to these videos, I realize how much better I still need to do. I do think that is what will , hopefully, one day, make me a great teacher. I see my weakness and now I want to grow from that. If there's one thing that I have learned and will forever take away from this course, is that incorporating technology into a classroom does NOT mean you are teaching in a blended learning envirnoment. It's gotten to the point where I want to add that to my signature at the end of my work emails. I want to shout it to the world. I feel like most of the teachers in my district believe this exact thing though, and to some extent, it's not their fault. This is what our higher ups insinuate. "Incorporate technology!" It would not take me long to go find our "Monday Memo" and show you where this is said every single time. What isn't being said is how to do that productively. What isn't being mentioned is that it's not as simple as it sounds. I think what it should be replaced with is, "Is your technology creating a learning environment?" Just to take it a step further, the "is" should be replaced with "how"' and then we'll see what answers are given. I will be honest, being a now-ist scares me. I'm afraid of failure. I promise I have countless posters hanging up in my classroom telling my kiddos to be otherwise, but I am a down right hypocrite. I am what Joi encourages us not to be. I wait to see if it's done correctly. I wait to see what others have done so I know what direction to take or not to take. I am the student that meshes into the background for fear of standing out and having to say something that might actually be wrong. Now, the teacher in me reassures myself everytime, "But that's the fun part in learning. That is learning. You are not failing, you are feeding forward. You learned something from that wrong answer," but if you've read any of my other posts you will remember the self critic in me tries to win every time. I want to get better at this! I want to "walk the talk." I want to show my kids that this is what happens when you "fail." I have a feeling this program is going to teach me a thing or two more than JUST technology.🤔

I mentioned this in one of my comments to another classmate, but rather than trying to find an answer for these questions...I only had more questions. I'm missing something is all I keep telling myself. I don't why "they" don't understand. Whether "they" be the complacent teacher who "likes this stuff", the admin who have never really been in all of our shoes, or the agencies that believe these exams are making our kids better human beings. As I've mentioned before, everyone shares a stance on standardized testing and to each their own, I truly try to see both sides of that coin and have an understanding why they are both important and unimportant, but I still think that is besides the topic at hand. Doing is learning! Seeing is believing! If the evidence and data is showing how much more successful and wholesome our students are with blended learning or project based learning or anything that requires "doing", then why the hesitation? Again, I'm totally aware that's the exact question that is being asked, I just do not see why it should be a question to begin with. I did turn this on myself, though. If it's such an easy concept to understand, then why am I not doing it in my classroom? Now, I see why change is so hard. I'm aware of all of these things. I see the benefits. I understand the benefits. I want to be the change, but when faced with doing it alone...there lies the challenge. I know if I stick with teaching things the way that I am I will able to walk into any number of teacher's classroom and they'll have an answer. How do you teach subtraction? How do you teach the life cycle of a butterfly? How do you teach about the seven continents? Someone will have an answer for me within minutes! But if my question is how do I keep my students engaged? How do I foster a love for creativity all while abiding by the standards? How do I prepare them for their future? The responses are few to none. I have to be willing to find these answers on my own. I have to do the exact thing I am asking my kids to do. In the famous words of Dr. H, I have to "walk the talk." I will have to DO the learning and not just regurgitate what is being repeated to me. This comes at a price. This comes at a cost. It will not be easy and maybe that's the answer to all these questions that I still have. It's not easy! Effort is required. Research is demanded. Trial and error is nonnegotiable. But so is success. Hard work pays off and my kids will be the ones who benefit greatly from it in the end.

Change is what makes the world go round. Aside from what anyone wants, it’s going to inevitably happen so why not embrace it?! The examples are endless when it comes to what would have happened (or not happened for a better choice of words) if we had not embraced change. Can anyone say Curbside Pickup? I didn’t know I needed this in my life until it was in my life. I embraced the change and have seen the benefits of it. It has saved me so much time (and money from my uncontrollable impulse buys) that I sometimes forget what it was like without it. Transfer that into my kindergarten classroom, times have changed! In our district at least, we are expected to have our kiddos reading when they leave us in May. Fluently, reading *palm to face*! This has changed from the play kitchen and construction centers I had when I was in kindergarten. I have to embrace this change and create an environment that promotes it in a proactive way not reactive. My stance on standardized testing feels irrelevant because I have never had to fight that beast (major kudos to every single teacher that has had to endure it). Having only ever taught the little ones, I assess and assess and assess. No, they do not have a test at the end of the year that determines their fate, but the accountability for both the student and I is still there and I will agree is needed. Questions arise when those assessments are based on, well what do you know, our standards. Those standards are not tailored to each student and that is where I feel the system has tunnel vision and refuses to see nor understand what that means within my classroom. I have a wide range of students within my four walls, as I’m sure every single one of you do, but the standards do not account for that. The students are expected to come in with some sort of prior knowledge, and, if that’s the case, these standards are going to have to start at home. We all know how that goes. That is likely why I enjoyed Ken Robinson’s speech the most. He explained it in such a “common sense” way, yet I have never been told this in any previous course or PD. They’ve lived on this planet for 60 months when they walk in my door. 24 of those months they spent learning how to walk and talk. Another twelve of those months they hopefully learned some basic cause and effect. If I jump off this bed, it’s going to hurt. Another twelve of those months, they put all those things they previously learned, and function with them on a day to day basis, probably making a mistake (wetting the bed, falling over air, spilt milk) daily and learning how to correct them. The standards assume each student will somehow have correct pencil grip and a basic sense of what a letter is when they let go of their parents at the door and see me staring back at them. I’d like to believe my room is magical, but, sadly, I am no magician. Standards are the norm. I would like to see the norm be different for every one of my students. After watching the videos, reading blended, and a few of the other articles, I’ve come to the conclusion that my district truly believes because we are a 1:1 student to Chromebook district, that we can check off the box of incorporating technology into our school. Clearly, not the case. I will admit; I thought we were getting the job done as well. The district presents it in a way that we are privileged to have this opportunity. We absolutely are, but we’re doing a disservice to ourselves, the students, and our community when those 1:1 devices are not being used productively. Within my classroom, we do incorporate station rotations, but not in a way that the book and videos described. I’d like to think that is why my stations are not as successful as I’d hoped they would be. It’s currently set up with five stations (fine motor play, IXL, word work, etc.) and a teacher small group making me the sixth station. It’s a factory just as one of the videos explained. Ten to twelve minutes in each station for a total of roughly an hour or so. Where is the productivity?! Between those twelve minutes, I cross my fingers no one has stopped wanting to be someone else’s friend, no one has had an accident, and no one has cut a piece of their clothing (you know the real problems of 2021). It’s a well oiled machine that breaks daily! In retrospect, it’s built to fail. Having a system where my time and my student’s time is productive, is worth any change needed, and I believe this is where blended learning could play a major role in that change.